So, my boyfriend Chris and I have been working on this really great blog project called “1K Thoughts.” Actually, it’s all Chris’ idea and pretty much all of his work as well. I’m more of an accomplice than a true partner in crime, but in my defense I have recruited some great writers for this blog, including my own closet-writing mother, and today we’ve unleashed yet another up and coming thinker.
For the love of thoughtful writing and life, take me up on my shameless plug and check out this submission on Regret. I’m re-blogging this in hopes of bringing attention to 1K Thoughts but also because this particular post rings especially true for me in my life right now. After this year of living abroad, I have encountered a lot of shame and apprehension. Shame for not speaking the language more, shame for not doing enough, shame from embarrassing cultural mishaps. I have felt apprehension about almost everything since the moment I landed in Korea and was unexpectedly greeted with a sharp, intense feeling of regret instead of the expansive awesome adventuresome feeling I was expecting to feel. I’ve spent the year trying to coax myself out of my own shell in small and various ways and on top of that there is the guilt of not embracing my time here as much as I feel I could have, or should have.
But now that it’s all coming to a close, I am so exhausted by these feelings. I am done living in a shell of fear for failure. I am done cowering under the judgment and expectations of others, most of which only exists in my own head. I could babble self-righteously about how I don’t need the judgment of others to define my own self image and how my perception of people’s judgments of me are really just a reflection of my own insecurities and so ultimately I am my own critic, but the bottom line is that I am just tired of taking everyone’s opinions into account. It comes from so many directions. You are not conservative enough, you are not existential enough, you are not aware enough, you are not global enough, educated enough, free enough, interesting enough, kind enough, patient enough. Gah! Enough is enough!
I am tired of waiting till 5 o’clock, tired of holding back to protect that one person I probably don’t even know who may or may not be offended and think of me as just another arrogant American traveler. I’m ordering that god damn drink. And imma drink it.
(you’ll have to read the blog to pick up on the drink reference)
And for the umpteenth time folks, 1K Thoughts cannot work without your help. We need your submissions to reach our goal of 1,00 thoughts! This is a great chance to get your thoughts out there for the world to see. Wherever you are from, whatever you are thinking about, share it with us! Send in your thought! Visit the blog for details and guidelines.